by Neil Anderson
Why must there be rules?
Because we are not savages! ... Because someone, someday might (once again) become convinced that Doc Marten boots worn with bunched down socks combined with hand-torn workout gear is cool... Because that thong over leotard thing was way cooler than we all remember... Because gray colored cotton blended bottoms are still humiliating rookie exercisers world-wide... Because slopping bodily fluids onto workout benches and machines without cleaning it up might go forever unchecked... Because the penalty for deliberately and/or obliviously standing in someone else's mirror should always be known off-hand by all... Because side lateral raises performed in front of stacks/racks of dumbbells preventing folks from acquiring weights from said stack is a form of gym bullying... Because no one should be humiliated into to asking a 1 gallon jug of water if she can use the bench it's setting atop... Because cranking one's headphones all the way up DOES NOT entitle them to sing obliviously along mutilating our favorite songs... Because ego lifting should be ridiculed. Because squealing while one lifts must be strongly discouraged... Because sweat angels have escaped (as of now) genuine artistic classification.
Because there are and should always be strict penalties assessed for exercising, lifting, fashion, equipment, attitude and nutritional infractions.
Yes, there MUST be rules. Clearly written rules with conjoined penalties for infractions of each rule. For without rules we chance not recognizing the failings of:
- Praising men who don tiny spandex thongs, cake themselves in Oompa Loompa cream and prance (best word for it) around on a stage while flexing to 30 y/o music.
- Vacuous and constant social media ab shots. Also known as the "Hey, don't forget to give me attention today" selfie.
- Constantly posting pics to social media of every nasty, tasteless morsel of food one might shove down their pie hole.
- Believing that some iteration of human being who lived in the paleolithic era wouldn't pick nuts and corn out of mammoth terds and eat them if given the opportunity.
- Hoping that some calorie-deficient, neon colored super drink mix consumed pre-workout could make make up for fucktardary at the gym.
- Other such dumbass shit that I will cover in the coming pages.
As a citizen of the greater health & fitness community, I have tasked myself with compiling a complete list of "The Rules: The Way of the Health & Fitness Desciple." This is my sacred quest. One which I pledge, at least, a couple hours (read: several minutes) per week to. I'm probably going to post something on this weekly. Unless I don't. In any case, I hereby vow be unconstrained by conformity, compliance or conscience. This is my sacred oath. Amen.
If you agree/disagree with this rule or if it helped you in any way, please like and/or comment below and feel free to share with your friends who workout! Thanks.